An abyss...

A long time ago I suffered from depression, it was so bad I had to take antidepressants for several years. After a while I overcame it.  There have been times over the years when I could feel myself teetering on the edge.

It reminds me of a bottomless dark pit, there have been many times when I've found myself sitting on the edge and I've been able to pull my legs back up before it grabs a hold of me and pulls me in.  There have been other times when I've fallen in and have to kick and fight to get my leg back up to the rim to be able to hoist myself out of it.

Today is different... I feel as if I've fallen in.  I just don't have the strength to fight to climb out. I feel as if no one cares and if I just disappeared no one would even notice.

I think it started over a month ago, I asked someone to fill out a personal reference form for me so I could take a biblical counseling class.  She said she would come and pick it up from me at work.  Then she had several excuses as to why she couldn't come get it.  I offered to mail it to her and then all she would have to do was to mail it back in the pre-addressed envelope I had provided but she evaded that question multiple times.  So when it came time for all of my paperwork and money to be turned in... I emailed the instructor and withdrew my application.  I really believed God wanted me to take the class, but I didn't have all the forms or the money.  And God didn't make a way.  One more area in which God hasn't provided for me.  I believe he answers prayer... just not mine. It also helped me discover that I can only depend on myself, that other people will let you down over and over.  So trust no one with anything important in your life, because in the end it will come back to bite you.

I've fallen over the side of this never ending abyss, actually I can't say it's never ending because I feel as if I'm laying on the bottom looking up.  All I see is an inky blackness, it's so dark I can't even see my hand in front of my face. And I'm too weak and battered and bruised to fight my way back to the top.

I came home from work yesterday at 4 and went to bed. I got up for a little while and then went back to bed. I was going to call in for work tonight because I just don't know if I can handle it. I haven't yet so I guess I'm just going to go.  I just want to lay in bed and not deal with anyone else's crap, I can't take care of anyone today, I can't even take care of myself.

It's very sad to feel like no one cares and to feel all alone in the world.  There's a despair there, that can't be explained.

I don't have friends I can count on.  At this exact moment, I don't even feel like my kids or my mom care about me.  In fact I don't believe I have friends, I have acquaintance's, but no friends that would actually take the time to pull me out of this place where I am.  Actually I don't have anyone in my life who will notice that I'm sinking into this abyss.

I feel like I have spent my entire life doing and taking care of other people and I'm just tired of it.  No one see's me. Their worlds all revolve around themselves... and I'm left sitting on the edge of this lonely, lonely abyss.  So free falling into was easy, it's climbing to get out that's hard and I just don't have the strength to do it.  The inkiness of it, grabbed me as soon as I fell in and before I knew it... I was sucked down to depths that I can't get out of.

I give up...

I came back to church in September of last year.  I went to that church for 6 months.  In December a pastor was visiting and got up and prayed one morning.  I knew when he prayed that when they started their church that I was supposed to go there. So for several months I wandered from church to church.  A big huge church where I was a nameless face in the crowd, a tiny church where I was friends with the pastor and his wife and my son and daughters church.  I would make the rounds trying to fit in somewhere and waiting for the new church to start.  On the morning of the first preview service I battled to get there.  I knew from the minute I got there that I was supposed to be there. Every week is a major battle to get there.  And every week Pastor Troy says something I need to hear.  But I'm miserable there.

Now it's three months later and I still feel like I'm supposed to be there, but I'm seriously considering just walking away.  I go late so I don't have to sit there all alone waiting for church to start, I bolt for the door as soon as church is over because I have no one there.  Nobody talks to me, if the pastor's wife is making the rounds greeting people, she greets me. But no one else does, it's like I'm invisible.  I have no family there and only one friend who has family there.  I feel so alone when I'm there.  It was so much easier to go to the big church and be a nameless face in the crowd.  I could go in, sit down, worship, listen to the message and leave as soon as it was over.  It didn't matter that I was alone in a room with 1500 people in it.  If people were socializing, I didn't see it, so I didn't feel so alone.  It was also easier because I went on Saturday nights, so when Sunday comes it just feels like any other day off.

But now here I am in a church of about 50 people and I leave there every week feeling more alone than I can possibly describe.  Every week I ask someone to go with me and every week whoever I've asked says no for whatever reason they have.

I'm giving it one more week and only because I think the boys will enjoy what's going on next week.  And then I'm done, I give up.  I can't keep doing this week after week.  I leave church almost every Sunday in tears because I feel so alone.  I look forward to the weekends when I open at work so I don't feel all alone on Sundays.  Other people spend the afternoon with their families or they go to lunch after church.  I come home to be by myself.  I have considered trying to find a way to work every Sunday, but then if I wanted to do anything for a weekend I wouldn't be able to.

I don't know why God has called me to go to a church where I so obviously don't fit in.

I don't know what else to say about this except that...  I'm just done, I can't do it anymore.

I'm lonely...

It's hard for me to admit, but I'm lonely.  I don't understand why God has given me this life.  My friends are all either married or in their 20's.  I spend my evenings either working or home alone in front of the TV.  Some days that's very depressing... today is one of them.  It's Saturday night, I was so desperate for something to do, I practically invited myself to go out with some people from work... wait there was no practically about it, I invited myself.  How wrong is that?  "Oh so and so and I are going out tonight" -her "Where are you going? I want to go."-me  After I came home from work and thought about it, that was so wrong of me to invite myself to go with them.  Now neither one of them cared if I went with them, but the idea that I had to invite myself is thoroughly depressing.  But it seems to be the only way for me to go out, people are going somewhere and I ask if I can go with them.  I did it to my daughter last week, they were going to Bass Pro Shop, how fricken desperate is that!  Just to get out of the house I ask if I can go to Bass Pro with them.  Talk about desperate!

I never imagined I would be 47 and single.  Some people would say that that's a great thing.  It's not, I'm sure there are some very good aspects to being single... I just can't think of any at the moment.

I don't know why God has called me to be single all my life.  I think I would be able to handle it better if I understood why.  What reason is there behind it?  Why did God have me cut all the ties to the few men in my life?  I don't understand and to be perfectly honest, I don't like it.  It has been over 5 months since I talked to Bob and every single day I want to talk to him.  STILL!  But I haven't, I've been a good girl except for the one IM wishing him a happy birthday.

I want God to either change my attitude about being single (and yes I have prayed for that) or bring a good man into my life (yes I've prayed for this as well).  But here I sit, on my computer, lonely as hell on a Saturday night.  :(  This is one of my least favorite things to do!

I need a change and I need it soon!

4 days...

It's been 4 days since I decided to get back on track and lose those 20 pounds (plus the 10 I gained back).  When I weighed this morning I had lost 2.8 pounds.  That makes me so happy!  I really hated that vicious cycle I was in, weighing every morning and telling myself I would make the right food choices and not over do it and then every day eating whatever I wanted.  I beat myself up every night for blowing it that day, I don't have to do that if I make the right choices.  I feel better about myself when I'm eating the things I should be eating.  (I really want a cupcake right now, but I know I wouldn't be able to stop at just one if I made some, so I won't)

I tried on swimsuits today while on lunch.  I was pretty depressed when I was done.  I tried on two swimsuits, two dresses and two pairs of pants. Only one of the dresses fit and looked good.  I walked away from the fitting room, depressed and before I got too far into my pity party... God reminded me... I knew before I tried on the swimsuits that I probably wouldn't find one that would keep the "girls" contained, I've never been able to buy pants at Target, and the dresses were two different sizes.  So I was depressed for those 2 minutes for nothing!

I'm back on track and I'm happy about it, now I just need to get my butt off the couch and start walking again.

I'll do that tomorrow  :)

Weight loss...

I've battled with my weight my entire life.  I was so proud of myself when I had lost 60 pounds 10 years ago.  I looked incredibly, felt great and then life took over and I gained it all back.

It was a pretty easy decision to join the Biggest Loser competition at church in September.  What better motivator than a $1000 (although when I first signed up, I was told the pot was close to $1600) so that was what kept me motivated.  It's easy to not eat and work out when you think you could win a ton of money.  Even though I didn't win the money, I lost 43.4 pounds.  That in itself is a huge accomplishment. And I'm really proud of myself for being able to do it.

But... I've fallen off the wagon and can't seem to get motivated enough to stay on track.  I sat and talked to my daughter and her mother-in-law on Sunday afternoon about having gained close to 10 pounds of my weight back. And it does not make me happy to have to admit that.  I can't tell in my clothes, but I can see it in my face.  I weigh every morning, and I tell myself I'm going to be good that day and stay within my WW points and every day I eat whatever I want and then tell myself... tomorrow.  Only tomorrow never comes, because that same routine starts over the next morning.  Every day is the same and each day the pounds creep back on in increments of 2/10 of a pound, but all those 2/10 add up after a little while.  It seems to have become a very vicious cycle.  And I hate it!  I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now.

I decided I was going to have someone hold me accountable.  So I sent my weight to Sylvia (Merissa's mother-in-law) so she can hold me accountable.  I believe she will do it in love, I'm counting on her doing it.  I told her I was going to breakfast this morning and one of her text's said "it is good enough for fat clothes?" when I said that I had heard the food was really good at the place we were going.  In all honesty the food was really, really good... but not good enough to put my fat clothes back on.  :)

I was bad at breakfast and ate all of it.  I think I made some wise choices though.  Ham is less calories so I ordered a plate of ham and eggs with potatoes, the only downfall was the biscuits and gravy... it was chocolate gravy.  And oh my it was soooo good.  I just had dinner of spaghetti and a big bowl of mixed veggies.  So I've been a good girl today.  Hopefully my scale will reflect that tomorrow morning, I'll be happy with a loss of 2/10 of a pound.

I knew going into the competition that maintaining the weight loss was going to be the harder part and it most definitely has been.  If I stay on the track of slowly gaining weight, in just a few months I'll be back to where I was.  And I don't want to go back there... I'm so much happier and feel so much better where I'm at.

My original goal had been to lose 40 pounds, maintain it for 6 months and then lose another 20 pounds.  Since I've gained 10 pounds, I now have to lose 30 pounds.  Hhhmm... that's do-able, I just need to stay as motivated every as I was during the Biggest Loser challenge.

If you're reading this and you pray... please ask God to give me the strength to stay on track and lose what I need to lose.

In deciding to write this blog, I've now decided what I'm going to blog about on a regular basis.  My weight loss.  I let you know how it's going.

Cindy

Taste...

I thought of something to blog about, kind of silly.  But here goes...


I can't seem to taste anything salty.  Last night I made homemade soup and I thought that I just hadn't added enough salt to it, but even after adding more salt to it, it still tasted bland.  I didn't think much more of it until today.  I had nachos at work and usually they are way too salty for me.  I typically only eat a few of them and then throw them away.  But... they tasted so bland to me.  The chips tasted like they had no salt on them.


I came home from work and had some of the leftover soup and some crackers, if I hadn't actually seen the salt on the crackers I would've thought I had bought unsalted ones.  It is kind of pointless to eat if food is going to taste really super bland to me.  I haven't felt good all day, so I don't know if that's what the problem is or if my taste buds are on the fritz.  Whatever it is, it's very annoying.


We'll see how it is tomorrow.  Hopefully everything will taste fine.  

My first blog :)

I've decided to create a blog, I'm not sure what I'm going to write about... or if anyone will read it.  Maybe I'll just use it to journal my walk with God.  I'm not quite sure yet.