A long time ago I suffered from depression, it was so bad I had to take antidepressants for several years. After a while I overcame it. There have been times over the years when I could feel myself teetering on the edge.
It reminds me of a bottomless dark pit, there have been many times when I've found myself sitting on the edge and I've been able to pull my legs back up before it grabs a hold of me and pulls me in. There have been other times when I've fallen in and have to kick and fight to get my leg back up to the rim to be able to hoist myself out of it.
Today is different... I feel as if I've fallen in. I just don't have the strength to fight to climb out. I feel as if no one cares and if I just disappeared no one would even notice.
I think it started over a month ago, I asked someone to fill out a personal reference form for me so I could take a biblical counseling class. She said she would come and pick it up from me at work. Then she had several excuses as to why she couldn't come get it. I offered to mail it to her and then all she would have to do was to mail it back in the pre-addressed envelope I had provided but she evaded that question multiple times. So when it came time for all of my paperwork and money to be turned in... I emailed the instructor and withdrew my application. I really believed God wanted me to take the class, but I didn't have all the forms or the money. And God didn't make a way. One more area in which God hasn't provided for me. I believe he answers prayer... just not mine. It also helped me discover that I can only depend on myself, that other people will let you down over and over. So trust no one with anything important in your life, because in the end it will come back to bite you.
I've fallen over the side of this never ending abyss, actually I can't say it's never ending because I feel as if I'm laying on the bottom looking up. All I see is an inky blackness, it's so dark I can't even see my hand in front of my face. And I'm too weak and battered and bruised to fight my way back to the top.
I came home from work yesterday at 4 and went to bed. I got up for a little while and then went back to bed. I was going to call in for work tonight because I just don't know if I can handle it. I haven't yet so I guess I'm just going to go. I just want to lay in bed and not deal with anyone else's crap, I can't take care of anyone today, I can't even take care of myself.
It's very sad to feel like no one cares and to feel all alone in the world. There's a despair there, that can't be explained.
I don't have friends I can count on. At this exact moment, I don't even feel like my kids or my mom care about me. In fact I don't believe I have friends, I have acquaintance's, but no friends that would actually take the time to pull me out of this place where I am. Actually I don't have anyone in my life who will notice that I'm sinking into this abyss.
I feel like I have spent my entire life doing and taking care of other people and I'm just tired of it. No one see's me. Their worlds all revolve around themselves... and I'm left sitting on the edge of this lonely, lonely abyss. So free falling into was easy, it's climbing to get out that's hard and I just don't have the strength to do it. The inkiness of it, grabbed me as soon as I fell in and before I knew it... I was sucked down to depths that I can't get out of.
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